I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
