just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
