dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
