Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
