you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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