I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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