sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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