This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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