If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
