He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
