We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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