i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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