Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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