Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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