Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
