I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
