i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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