I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
