One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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