The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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