he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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