I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
