winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
