Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
