just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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