I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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