AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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