it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
