I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
