he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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