Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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