You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
