thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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