3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize