im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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