there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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