i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
