Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
