Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
