Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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