OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
