but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
