Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
