Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
