How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We need a shit load of segways right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
