i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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