Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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