jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
