i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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