I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I still have a little drunk in my system
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
