She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
