Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
