my being single is dangerous.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
