just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize