Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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