I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
