I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
