just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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