When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
