saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize