EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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